aafke

It's march! and after 5 one night stands, becoming part of EGEA board, completing all my 1st year courses and getting that knee operation i must say these 8-9 months have been good hehe. Today i'm giving spanish lessons, i'm studying for 3 subjects which i need to pass but my ea dis in the sky...

First i've been going out every 2 weeks or something with teh older brotehr of my twin friends, who's been my platonic obsession for 3 years haha so i'm dumbstruck he has wanted to see me every time!! Which also annoys me cause i can't exaclty get my head around the question if he likes me. He's a shy type but i'm not going to try nothing, i mean, if i'm wrong he might never come close to me in years.. damn.

Second, my dad is comming which makes me super happy! Mom has been really sick, and i think he needs a bit of air, and i need him as well, being far away from home and being sort of orphaned form one side makes you a bit down. I really can't wait until the summer, and now we can have some nice daughter-dad quality time! :D i'm allowed to plan his week here hoho!

Third, finally my roomate is leaving and i can have a friend over which must be realy cool i hope! i'm just sorry we ended up in a bad note, or well kinda.

Well that's most of it in a nut shell, i really need to check on that spanish class before i leave empty handed...

Well it's been a long time since i wrote here. There have been many developments in my life i could say. And as always i will use the help of the bullet points.

• It seemed it wasn't easy to get totally rid of my old relationship. We ended up having sex and well a freinds with benefits idea. Very comfortable but destructive as well. I had freedom again but psychologically not. Every time my mobile would go off i would tense up and hope it wasn't him. I was so engrosed in that whole jealousy of him that it was just unbearable. the last drop was last week. I had finally decided to close that sex relation with him for good, had taken me allot of courage and self esteem to do it. Everything seemed to go well until friday... when he again, got jealous, and i exploded and got pissed. What did he want to hear dammit? That i was fucking every living guy or something? Did that conversation on tuesday mean nothing to him? my crying and stuttering and whatnots to find a neutral path and still keep some kind of friendship was just thrown out of the window. So now i just ignore him, and specially now that he asks"why are you angry?" Please, think!

• On the study side well, ia m now veyr realistic: 4 years bahelors as much a s it sucks. Lets see how far i can get next year!
• On a side note, i go a big boos of self esteem when bas actually told me he liked me since that valentines party when he rode me home. And he was more than certain that if we didn't have such a age difference it would have been coll between us. And i would have to agree i guess :) i really hope he gets a nice girl.
• Talking about the master student group, i should really party with them more often. On teh final of teh UEFA, (spain champion) i got to meet this gringo, andrew, such a funny guy, i relaly enjoy that friendly one night stand. He has showed me some other kind of perspective in live. More relaxed not binded to time or schedules. I don't think i could ever live like that, my trying to get him come over has been a pathetic failure with his wierd "i don't plan anything" but it would be a shame if he left without saying goodbye. Damn, he really need to come tomorrow...

Ah well this is it in a nut shell. It's good to write, have to do it more often.

You know the feeling you get when your just about to enter an exam you just know you're going to do crap? Or when you are waiting for that admission letter for uni? Or when you're in the dentist chair and you know they're about to inject a needle in your mouth? Take that and multiply it by ten..thousand. That's what i felt two weeks ago when the light came to me that i had to break up with anko.

It was a rough week, a horrible thing. I never liked to make people hurt. he didn't undertsand, it was too hard on him. But i was behind my decission, still are, and damn happy about it too!

We just came to a point where we wanted something different. He wanted a real long relationship, and after 10 months, i had enough of teh long relationship. Sounds evil, but belive me, i was in a bad state. I had to leave something i had become so attached to. or maybe just gotten to used to it. Can you really tell the difference? When did we start stopping loving each other and just got used to each other?

I am more into my study, and into my social life and well politics art and all that otehr shit that i like. He...well computers and stuff i never realy understood. he never went out with friends, his grades weren't going anywhere. I don't know, i just needed someone whith who i could take conversations to another level. because in the more intimate part, the relationship was just great. But love is what comes after and before the bedroom. And for example my biggest error was to meet his family i mean after 10 month, his mom still thinks i can't talk dutch, nor read. So that i'm a imbecile. Ok that's over the top, but i fucking hate when people lower me without knowing me.

Finally everything is over, he has taken his stuff, he's going to england and hopefully he won't try to bring us together again.
I on the other hand am busy with serbia exchange, with study and with crappy things i have in my life like always. I still miss something, but i'll come. ANd yes, i am in the depressive : nobody will love me stage. Although i have made it more appealing by adding a luxe flat, thus a great job. :P

       Im in teh news with HUGO!

This week i've been unable to undrstand what flows through my head and body. i have fallen in a weak state i don't think i have felt, in rather a long time. After a rather sleepless weekend full of tensions i came back home tired and full with anxieties. Mom fell ill in front of her class and fainted, doctor said she had heart problems. And for teh first time i actually thought about the real possibility of losing her. I was scared and cried behind a building pissed off at first becasue anko was witha frind in teh bus and couldn't talk to me. But thankfully something clicked inside him and we talked when he got home. It felt so good. But yes, again that balck and white bubble, where everybody around you is just happy and i don't feel it's worth disturbing.

But i did one of the most challenging things ever: i decided to see a psycologist. At the uni. It was...wierd at the start. Like the actual feeling you can talk to somebody tat is actually there to listen and help you. It was funny how it went, told him bits and pieces of my life and i had told him atfirst i got there because i had too much in my head. But at the end he asked me again "why are you actually here? You haven't told me" ii started crying when i told him half of why i wa stehre, mom, relationship.I didn't even start fully on my relationship... i don't know if he understood right away, but he told me to go next week. I am looking forward to it, but i am also scared i am expecting allot form this. I sometimes hope he will be able to solve all my issues, but i know it will be me who will have to do the big steps.

I wa sso weak at some poitn i finally decided to go against anko's mood depressing swings, that's how i like to call them, and told him that i wasnt able to catch him now. He had to try and get a bit moe of selfesteem by himself right now and trust me, or at least believe in himself and his own choice for me. Because right now i can't sell myself further and feel constantly guilty for goign out with friends and stuff without him. But he did show me allot of support and has bene trying his best to cheer me up with buying games and movies and making dinners. He can relly be a cute squishy :P

And my last come up was in the kern comissie where i finally got over with my point of going international. It was a bitter sweet moment because they did make fun of me at some point and well i don't even know if they'll take account of this. But i don't care i was finally able to tell them: ha see, i told you suckers!!!!! and now i will slowly try and make influences. I will make my attack tactics ;)

I've just relized that today is teh first night i've seen the moon in a long time here in holland. Bunny makes me happy :)

I'm actually in a rather good mood....

Rough nights make you wierd. I realized that yesterday >_> it was something i had to get off my chest and well, as always reach the threshhold and break before coming back to normal. just like a glucose graph in the body... ok bad similie.

I have decided the following things, that i think will help me:

• just go for what i have now
• live in the present, taking point 1. The rest will eventually come.
• don't take longer to get help
• thank the people that helped me yesterday.

I'm such a wuss hahaha. Ok, i'll first do everything right this weekend!

:D

it's so horrible to have doubts and to know that people doubt you, which in my case would be the worst case senario. But right now, what troubles my mind is my own doubts for t¡what i have chosen. Not only study, which is a subject i hav frequently discussed, but more the choosing of partner.

i have doen everything to get him, and to keep him by my side, my cute sweet lover! But smetimes, i, who have given so much to catch him and hold him, need someone to grab me, and keep me safe. It came to my mind about my mom, about my life, how i grew up;  so stupid but still real. I have grwon up within "society" or class. I have learned to sit down proeply,, havea decent conversation with someone dubbeled my age... to listen, talk and finish and eat properly. And iu knwo that in the end we are so different, and i always aks myself, ow far will this actualluy go. How far will he make an effort to stay beside me and not under me.

I feel like such a bitch deciding suddendly taht iu'm on top or something, but i can't also explain how this feels, how i know that it will just no fit with my family and how that worries me. I just want verything to be perfect. Tp be s nuice,

Many say i hav to drop i and find someone new, bec ause he is just my 3d bf and i am actually almost his 10th gf, there0s a different way. i cry because i don't even understand what goes through myjhead, i wnat everythuing to be fun to be fine to be normal. But i gues it's still hard, even though when i don't want to admit it, having a cultural shock.

I have grwon so accustomed to him and fallen so deeply, i am scared i do no longer think about myself. I want special help, whcgh also makesme feel stupuid.

I have finally finished my first year of university.
For the first time i have realized how many things can actually change in one year. How many things can actually happen or not. What was my every day reality in Mexico has now been completely taken a new turn, and i think it is going towards the right direction. I now have a series of accomplishments and deceptions, or unfinished actions. I think i have changed in some ways but many things i would like to grow out of, are still present.

Summer vacation was very relaxing and a real treat. Saw whale-sharks, went to akumal, and before all of that i travelled with carolina a few days to berlin.. It was in whole: great. A few things didn't go as planned; mostly mom, opa's death and a piece of art email send by anko's ex. She should write soaps, seriously. And i felt so good after writting her back for the first time.

But now there are various things i have to do to make this year succesful as much as i want. Maybe i do push myself to hard, I sdo things for others and not myself, so i'll try my best to make it this time really something for myself.

• I am paying more attention to dutch, it is my third language, my dad's language and teh one i'll be using for teh next 4 years: i already got my first course.
• I am going to work my ass off and get good grades, show myself that i can and show those fucking discriminating idiots that 3rd world doesn't mean stupid. -> though this might actually not go as planned and i might fall into a dip like last year :)
  
• Start sharing my house, which i hope wll be fun
• Do more culturl stuff, learn to play piano and take my sax baby out for a while.
• Ask for help if needed...

Ah well i'll se what will become of this year, hopefully more than what i'v ebeen longing for.

It is all clearer now, i am more tranquile: my heart isn't racing, my mind isn't trying to connect all neurones at once and smile seems to be plastered again on my face.

• The whole paper i was working on, for which i lived 3 days in the map bib is finaly finished, prsnetation on friday! :D
• The pieces of that horrible thurday are now almost complete, and atleast teh scariest part wasn't as bad as i thouht and had made me take out that breath i didn't want to admit i was holding.
  
• Keeping mind in the same puzzle, i can see its for now, i'm just waiting for the last few corners, i have time ;)
• And tonight was fab, as a matter of fact ... *grin*
• I'm fianlly goign to see opa, and dad is arriving in a few hours ^_^
• I don't know if i want to do the theory exam for driving

Zailing Weekend!

Well it was out of question FUN! my boat was hilarious and koen is just  waaay funny with our fav radio stations: Holland FM, Friese lokaal, and the great song ruby ruby ruby!!!! hhehehe :P what a blast! I must say i didn't like the whole: lets get real close with nature.. i almost died of cold and thought i would get pnuemonia, plus that shitting in the tiny forests of islands isnt' really my thing.. hahahaha. I also had a rather bad diet lol, and well we did our best to sail very sportively. In sneek we did our best in the Peanuts bar, and geez i even dnaced on the high stage.. i was not druk, but matthijs pulled me with him, gawd never again!  I had allot of fun, and even one day we were pirates withour pidgeon/parrot lol!!! Some pics :D

Where to start? Heh, since last thursday many things have happened that have made my head ache, my face smile and eyes cry.

Pretty poetic right now huh?

But first the stroy and then what goes through my cobweb head. It all started on thurday when i met Anko, i had seen him before with Anne, he's from teh AI guys at the otehr side of teh building. He's really nice and pretty flirty and contact person, which is nice for a change. iiiiiW ewent to Tessa's concert, and then lets say we realized we lied each otehr, and through teh whole thing i remebered he had had a girlfrind, but he tyold me he was single. So 'we hit it right away' and got ecahotehrs mobile phones. Whta followed was allot of sms an din teh end we went out on friday and on sunday. We decided to take this slow, and i mean slow, because he had a little infection on teh lips, so no kissing on mouth :P He asked me how long would i wait for him to start a real relationship and i told him that i would wait for him as long as i saw it was a two sided thing. We saw ecah oteh rin the week, it was really nice until thurday, wehn he was supposed to come to teh borrel. he send a curt sms saying he coulndn't and that he would explain later... I called to see if he was ok, he wasn't, he was crying or extremely depressive. I told him to give me a call if he needed anything, and later i recieved his call, but to my surprise it was a woman's voice. She was his ex, and she told me to back off him and that he was phycologically very unstable an dnto ready for a relationship and everything he had told me was a lie. I had something like: who teh fuck are you? and wtf?? Later on she called again o tell me he was gone to his parents house and then she recalled evrything saying that she didn't know m eso she couldn't hate me and that she was extremly jealous and broken etc. i was still in wtf? Later i recieved a very insecure call from anko asking if i wanted to stop seeing him because of what happened, and i told him that no, i said i would wait. I told him to take teh weekend to think about it. It went all to normal in the weekend although i did decide in two thing: i wnte dto hear what was going on with that strange ex relationship. I talked to him on the phone when i was back from sailing, he said that he was sorry for teh ex calls and stuff, and said that he had already blocked her out from his contcats and that i shoudl do teh same. I was gla dto hear he wsn't giving her support, that was a good sign. And i told him about my depression when mom was sick, even though it wasn't maybe the same. Today i saw him again and it was relay nice, but in a little chat with anne she told me he was really unstable partner and that she wasn't sure if he wanted to start a relationship.

My thoughts? well obviously at the start i really had to ask myself what the hell had i got myself into, i was seriously thinking in ending contact if it continued this way, but i thought about it in the weekend, and teh way he was recting at me was still the same, still same old anko. yes he is depressed and why wouldn't he be? but he has decided to make a 'transition', and in the end i don't have allot to loose in waiting for him. He has shown interest in me and what i do, has cheermed me up with my oma's death, i don't think somebody would do that so quickly if they weren't even considering something stable. I don't know, this is what i wan to think, and it's hard to push him away just randomly because there's a click. i guess i have to see if he's able to make this transition. I really hope annes is not right and that they are not just stories. But still i haven't heard his soty, that will come with time, and i do hope it comes.

Oma also dies today, it's funny that i still haven't felt it. It's been a long time since somene died, my head aches and i don't know what i'm supposed to tell opa. Dad is broken, i can sense it while talking to him in the phone, i think that's what hurts m ethe most, i don't like seeing/hearing dad sad. Mom says he's trying to stay cool...

What a ramp. Well i stil have good things goign on, and yes i have faith in anko and oma is now in heaven. It'll be ok, tomorrow i'll make a dinnner, fifnish teh conclusion for teh project, have a 'dancing lesson' and well...yes distraction. life will come back to the straight line at some point.

Sailing weekend in anotehr entry :)

Last monday i took oof to Germany for an exchange between Munster, Krakow ans Sonowieck. We had fabulous 3 days between cycling, bird viewing, Koln, Essen and of course drinking. At the end of teh three days i had already seen who were the people i could have teh best contact: funny Monia, lovable teddy bear-like bartosz and finally, but not least, uber cool Chrisopher.

But lets foucus in christoph: i haven't had a chat about politics/world/life/love like this since i left home. We exchanged ideas about anarchism, what love could mean (teh rose of teh petite prins) and just any feeling that would copme to us. It was incredible, being yourself. He ended up calling me scrapy and it came to such a point where i expplained the little details i had, and made automatically. lIke the menaing of my earings, jewlery and clothes. He understood, apetiated and wanted to learn more. it came from both sides, i walso wanted to nkwo more about his ideas and past.
I think it was a great relationship, where tehre was none of that "i don't want to talk in fear that you might like me" bullshit. We siad what we thought and told each other how we liked to  be in this company. Don't get me wrong, he has a girlfriend, and this wasn't at all a seduction play. Was real friendship and/or respect for one and other.
For me he is now someone very important, not only because he told me how he percieved me, "i rally like you and your personality and character and spirit  of life. I would say it is touching, you call this "click". And it is really not often to find people to talk, i mean really talk in an other language. This is often more a question of the will because we really wonted to exchange our thoughts. with some of our group I could really talk funny... but with you funny and serious. just to tell you for the last time of your being special." because in the end you might hear that from otehrs (without the seriousness behind it), but he showed me in teh pictures he took of me. I don't think nobody has done that... ever. And it's funny because i fiund myself in every picture very fotogenic and pretty, without trying or realizing what was going on. I'm more than glad that i met him, and hopefully our email contact will be continious. Now through his political activism, he's traveling through germany. I will wait for him to tell him how i feel about the pictures.

I also had a breakdown when we came back to mexico. Carolina ws crying about something Tom said and she didn't want to go back home because she knew she had lost that contact with her frieds, that they didn't find her interetsing anymore, they were all on vacations. I know how she felt and i tried to help telling her everything was goign to be ok, and that she should sarch teh contact and we would be waiting for her. She had a second breakdown in shame of realizing i didn't get to visit my family as often as she did, i only had 2 chances. I told her not to sweat it, i grew in a different way. But when she left (thankfully with tessa) i had my own dip. Yes we don't really belong there any more, and here we are stil building it up and sometimes it seems so heavy... i thought about it, if i hadn't passed the second round for that dutch exam i would've been doubting of my intelligence and maturity for studying abroad. Had i donethe right thing? Wasn't i reaching for the stars nad burning? I had to call home, itold mome how i felt, i cried, i told her i mised her, and that i loved her. She was proud of me being tehre telling me it was a good choice and she believed in me. I haven't told my mom i  love her in a very long time. i needed that moment. But it got a bit shattered away, or well some relization came into my mind when i met evryone in Uilenstede: Hugo asked me wajht was wrong and after hearing the story e just stared at me and told me Carolina and me where just girly girls crying for something like that, that he didn't have any problems leaving his frinds behind and shit. Now that wasn't what i needed to hear and least from a fucking guy who's whole family is in teh same faculty and can grab a damn train one hour to get home, and from teh person i liekd liked. I realized how superficial i had been, he's still acting as a teenager. Am i really lloking for someone liek him, or someone like Christoph? I prefer Hugo now as a friend, havinga  agood time with him or ruber is really one of teh best things, i won't ask more.

Now i'm back to same old rutine, i'm making the shopping for my new house. And i'm SOOO excited! i am also trying to study with anticipation, Though as you know that isn't going that well hehe...

A few pictures of christoph, from christoph, of hugo, of fun and teh journey.

It has been soem time since ive written here, mostly it's because i just aven't had time nor inspiration. It does botehr me when i realize i can't get out of this author's block of my stories, and all the reviewers that will stop reading depresses me.  But further in real life stuff, i had a good exams week! I think i did fine, i feel proud i read a whole book in dutch and made an exam just in dutch over holland! i mean come on: this is important!

And to end the week i had a tour through bars, we had to make teams, choose a theme and go from bar to bar. My team consited of the twins, wiske, felix, carolina and thomas. It was great fun! got obviously drunk at the end and gosh, for the record of embarassing things, i was throwing myself at the twins older brotehr.... well we were chatting but at some point, you getthe idea, and obviously there was a "this is getting to personal" and teh typical" shit wtf am i doing?! this is so embarassiing he'll never tak to me again." so um yes, life as always.

My knee screwed up on me again, i cut my hair! :D that was good! and i have a few pics i did with my phione before it died, but i will have newer ones when carolina sends me more.But anyway, i think i'l got and sleep cause tomorrow i have lots to do!

Things have been making me chaage my mind and i've been through many types of confusions these past two weeks. I am finally finding myself here in this small city of europe. Everytime i feel my life is being enjoyed more than ever. I am relaly living what i shoud have been enjoyinhg since higschool. Friends as alway, don't have to be of teh same age group, type or relation. I love that.

Tehre are obviosly some draw backs like teh fact that i can't fully conecentrate to study, and i feel i pretty much sucked at the last two exams we had. Plus you have to add tehstres sof my new home. I have an 80m2 apartment!! Signed by me, so it's mine mine mine! And it just sucks i have to wait till may or hpefully end april. But i'm excited anyway, i have to buy stuff for the new house, i will finally have my own place nad won't have to worry about feeling uncomfortable.I also have a flee problem right now, or well actually is teh cat with whom i live...stupid animal -__-



i've been already two days salsa dancing! I'm also in a whole mood to meet new people. With guys stuff, i decided to sit on the bench and look. i mean, if one of the players asks me to be part of it, i will. No need to go totally behind him, but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy teh view!!! hahaha.  I also expiriences for the tenthousand time teh whole, i'm glad you're my friend instead of: i like. you. Can't ask too much i guess. Though i did have a really nice dream where i told my ex to fuck off, which mademe wake up with a smirk.

I'm also having something for buying some shoes hahaha! i want some cute shoes!!!! OH and i'm back in painting, i've missed it so much, it's sucha good therapy. Amd this is for now my relaxed ramble.

And well i find myslf on a weekend alone again as normal. And obviously as a lack of things to do, or better said, in lack of wanting things to do (cause i really need to clean my room and maybe study) i find myself listening to music and thinking, re-playing things that have happened, analyzing certain situations and well coming to conclsuions that might be somehwat dramatic... But still i can't help to wonder.

First of all i don0t know if buying an apartment might be too drastic, and it worries me on teh economical side. Furtehr in taht concern, i don't seem to stay clena, my room isalways a mess. Next thing, would actually be the constant thoughts about my ex, but it's not that i want him back, beacue i just know that i don0t want to. Geez i didn't like in mexico for 18 years to do something so stupid. It0s more something of the wanting to be with someone, this slow process of friend making is driving me insane. Everyone obviously has a lif apart from me, hence why i'm here stuck in my little egg.

Ok, that was overously dramatic. Hahaha, no but next stupid thought was about Anne, i like her allot as a frind, but i always get this creepy feeling taht it will just en like with maria, they both ahve so much in common it scares me. I fele this might not be the road i want to go, ut i end up being tehre evry time. I can't hold my self, it's way too fun at some point! But then our friendships are different, she's already got a whole social stuff goign and shit i don't know. It's teh same jazz, she knows so many people i wouldn't even consider talking to, and her pace is much quicker than mine.

Even though this is not higschool, i then always think about what peopel gossip behind me, and that scares me. A small mexican girl, with short hair, kisses unnatractive guys, tends to speak of her country, can't speak our language properly, shy... may keep going on and on. I may be just imagining stuff.

Fuck, who ever reads this i'm sorry for that stupid ramble. This is coming out so pathetic because of teh fact i stopped with my loving sport, which has been hard for me, my mother isn't good in health and i always feel guilty after i snap at her, i'm also scared i will atatch myself to her life. And yes i have right at this moment (because in reality i should be happy) a dip in my life. Pathetic right?

I will keep being Anne's friand, i really liek her and no it won't fisnih as maria cuase she's a whole different palnet. Home wil be fine and geez i can't even believe i made a comment about my ex.. well whatever. And yes i will find a new sport

That tilte soudns depressing ahaha, but it isn't really. Tomorrow i'm flying back to uni, which is just..um reality?

Don't have much energy to write something long, so bullet point power!

• Said came to vistit me! yay!!! so i have new musci and obviously laugehd madky and say wrestling!!! >_< woot!
• Saw many people, i finally saw raquel, ilse, ale, luis mi, anai, josie, pam.. good eh?
• Went to school!!! hahaha, saw all the old teachers omg! i miss lancaster! T_T
• I'm doing a collab!!!!! cool huh? a really nice girl asked me to d o a collab with her
• Will miss tha sunshine

I'm home and i've been here for a week!!! it's been way fun! Well relaxing actually, i've seen raks and ilse which has put my mood high. Sadly no one else is in town so it's kinda boring or not boring, but y'know i've been stuck inside the house for a couple of days. I've been painting in that free time and helping within teh house. My mom's sick, her vision is getting worse and my dad fears she will never see porperly again, but i think we have ti wait the five months, an eye operation is very delicate. It scares me sometimes.

i'm also posting a few pictures of teh party XD and a few of these couple of days ^^


RESOLUTIONS 2007

1-become more sociable, or less shy or um just get out of this self made cage
2-establish good relationships, and not trust that everyone will be m friend.
3-loose weight, i need to loose from 2 to 3 kg, i knooow it's not much but i gotta chech that food i'm eating T_T
4-Keep writting in ficpress, make the time!
5-Do sport, or no, find a sport wich won't kill my knee
6-don't get pissed at the calls from home
7-learn proper ducth!!!
8-find a jude law a grahan in 'the holiday' as the perfect man
9-don't regret taking the biggest step of my life.

Who luvs my ups and downs?? Me me!

Well i had just written a very nice entry and it got blown away -_- but that won't stop me from being happy hahahaha

Why am i happy? dunno, just in  the right mood, have no idea but lemme put some points to make you see a few thing s taht may hvae hepled:

• Got to talk with Mr.White, which obviously makes me happy, and i promised him to put a fork in his eyes as he invites me beer for not writting. Lovely huh?
• Passed fucking maths... I GOT A 7 IN MATHS!!!!!! = god exists
• Drawing again, getting my own style y'know, still working on it, but it's going sweet
• made koen my friend hahaha, took time but know he's in the friends pocket!
• I'm carving to go back home, i'll be seing jay and rdz and raks and oh  gawd i want i want. I'm justa bit scared of overprotection form mom...
• Haven't lost my touch girls and boys, got flirted at basketall by the other's team's player hohoho i was beuing jury to man's game
  
• Writting x-mas cards! luf them
• Will become girly girly for friday! x-,mas dinner!!!

SO yes som epoints, and next week i'm starting with exams so i may enter a "want to die" stage, but what can you say? life huh?  ;)

..Later this same day (i was waiting till night to scan those pics) i bought a freaking cute dress!!! so YES!  another point to be happy about, and such cute shoes! *_*

Well i still have 18 days before i head back home. let me refrase that: Only 18 fucking days before i return to my full smoke, corrupt, nice weather, incredible food filled city. WOOT!

So yes, i am happy, but through all teh happiness tehre are also some downs. Lemme show you my higs and lows from these past weeks:

Lows (lets get the depressing crap out of the way)

    -I really like economy, but the excersises... god it's just not working... and it's ateam thing and marlein did the stuff last time alone, i need to repay her, she's such a sweet.
    -Finally got the jam from harmen, that was a story... waaaaay akward, never again wil i do something so stupid again. Mom and dad must fucking enjoy it when they eat it.
    -Everyone knows or assumes something happened with felix...and today i realzied anne wrote it in the gossip book... i can't obviously get anry at her, but this is liking so much on the maria-afk relationship, i relaly wish it doesn't cause i like anne's friendship. But right now i want to kill her.
    -Gawd i can't believ i'm making such a big fiuss about that. But i know what's teh issue here, it's not the fact of random kissing, because of course everyone does it, it's the fact that i always end up with the standard horrible guy, no offence, that's why i'm goign to do what's comming in next point...
    -Went to teh ortodoncist, i hate him. I have to keep trhe thing in my mouth ou¡ne more year. ONE YEAR DAMNIT! i0'm not seeing anyone in one year. No one. It may be a good lapse to grow up. Am i too vain? i dun give a damn.

Highs (yes finally)

    -Downloaded a sopftware against teh random shut down of my comp...hope it works
    -i have accepted my lonely stance in the fact of not looking for potential..somethings, i'll keep a low profcile like i've always done. yay for security. <-- i don't know if this can be considered a "high"..
    -Finally got the handg of the werkstuk.
    -Home home home  !
    -Bought my new bike sooo cheap!

And a drwaing for you all, i painted it, the lines were made by someone else.
 

"Hoy me he dado cuenta
que no habí­a sentido
tanto miedo antes,
que yo no decido
que Dios lo hace mejor"

And then again i'm not really doing things for my self, well in a way i am, but the real push to get good grades is not my future or something, it's actually the people who believ that i can do it, who always say "i know you can do it" but still... i don't. Something always goes wrong, and it ends up like those A-level gardes. But i want so badly to do right, to show everyone that i am capable of doing stuff, of getting a future, that  whatever happens in my private life shouldn't reflect on my grades, it's a weak excuse. I had a trhust of hope of getting back to my old self and tehre's these small chucks of time where it falls apart and i hit the ground hard. Somethhing at the back of my head reminds me of stuff i don't want toi be reminded of.  I also think going back might not the best idea. These next three years will be different and that's what i shoudl be expecting, to learn new things, feelings and make teh best of it. But in these 5 months i let things come in a rush, some good and some stupid. i wonder what i'm doing, i can't hold on to mexico but i still don't get a grip of amsterdam, i don't want to end up in the empty middle.

Someone hit me